I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t sweating. Living in Texas for 24 years has it rewards but it also has punishments. Mainly just the heat. Honestly, that’s the only thing. Texas is so hot (how hot is it?) SO HOT. I gave up. I’ve just given up in every sense of the word. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.
I will never understand the people who drive with their windows down. It’s one thing if you’re poor and your car doesn’t have AC, but this is Dallas and those aren’t even real people. Toss ‘em in the midget category. I’m talking about people in Audis and Range Rovers who are on the tollway at 5pm with the windows down. I’m sorry but u are paying a reasonable lease fee for that car maybe don’t leave a sweat ring of ur ass on the leather seat for the next person who is savvy enough to purchase pre-loved cars. I get furious when this happens and if I get close enough I take the opportunity to spit in their eye.
Even at night, it’s still 95 degrees. I still can’t roll my windows down or I’ll get sunburnt it’s so hot. I tried to call in sick the last time I was sunburned it was so bad. There’s also a chance that this is just a problem for me since I’m so white you can see my heart beating. I look like someone scribbled a bunch of chest hair on a sad glass of milk. I actually had to get a prescription for my window tint and I will never tell a soul just how much my window tint was. It may or may not be equivalent to 17,720 McNuggets tho.
Even at night (same intro), it’s too hot to go out drinking. Half the bars in Dallas have patios and people love drinking outside. People also like drinking when it’s hot. This hot weather makes a good excuse for a cold one amirite pal????? No fuck off I can’t enjoy drinking if I’m already in stage 2 of passing out. Drinking would just expedite the process. I already have tunnel vision from anxiety, with 100 degrees of sweltering humidity, and then throw in alcohol on top of that? That trifecta of a death formula doesn’t really ~work~ for me. I’m sweating like a black pastor’s forehead at this bar now. I’m about to slip on the puddle of sweat around me. It’s hard to hit on women when I look like I’ve been swimming in shoulder deep water before I arrived. Even if i had the confidence to hit on a woman in the first place, the pit stains are saying “mack u know better”. Please don’t ask to me get drinks outside with you until mid October.
I envy the people who live virtually anywhere else in the US. Not Louisiana though. That’s my least favorite state. It’s honestly the setting for all my nightmares. Also not anywhere in the rest of the south like Alabama or Mississippi. Mainly just the Bay Area, and some of the Midwest (only the cool cities tho), and some of the Northeast. But also none of the dumb states like Oklahoma or Kansas or Missouri or Delaware or Idaho or New Mexico or West Virginia. Canada would be nice tbh. Rachel McAdams lives in Toronto and she’s a blessing to each and every one of us especially me. Nobody will ever understand how much I love snow. But that’s a different story. Back to Texas.
It’s sofa king hot I want to kill myself. I said that out loud to a waitress the other day and you would have thought I kicked a kitten into a woodchipper by the way she looked at me. If I’m outside longer than roughly 8 seconds, I sweat like a fat whore in church. I used to work outside for a living doing arguably the hottest job there is, paving parking lots on an asphalt crew. I know, I don’t look like a bluecollar guy anymore. But I used to be rugged. Now I’m a changed city man, if I sweat too much my hair is ruined for the rest of day and so is my attitude.
Like my friend paige at justpmsing.com said: