I’m sure if you have a vagina you are already well aware of the online boutique called Etsy. They sell all kinds of handmade crafts and shit that girls like. But I need to tell you something. They sell all kinds of handmade crafts and shit that girls like.

For the past two years, every card that I’ve gotten for someone came from a store in England I found on Etsy. And they’re great cards. I get compliments on them and then I crave for my next friend’s birthday/occasion so I can nail it again. Seriously just type in one keyword about the friend and you have hundreds to chose from. It’s so easy i can do it.

Every gift I’ve bought for someone since Q1 of 2013 has come from Etsy. Please, do not search Etsy for what I got you, the prices are amazing and I don’t want you to know what value price I put on our relationship.

If I hear someone talking about crafts or home décor I will spring up out of my cubicle like a deranged middle aged single mom and start advising everyone about Etsy. Oh you need custom throw pillows? Etsy. You need a mason jar organizer for your bathroom? I know a guy on Etsy. You’re interested in a wine rack that looks like honeycomb? Well I’m interested in signing you up for Etsy. Do you need an art print that could be about literally anything? They’ll have it on Etsy, is 12 different sizes and 3 different colorways.

Now, I will admit. I totally buy myself stuff on Etsy. I even got my father a kickass bottle opener. He doesn’t really drink much, but it’s a manly gift and he appreciated it because I had put thought into it. The mason jar organizer? That was a specific request; I have one in my kitchen. My apartment is so small I can’t fit a silverware tray in EITHER of my kitchen drawers (yes i only have two) so I have my flatware hanging on a wall like ducks in Chinatown.  BUT IT LOOKS RUSTIC JUST LIKE ME.

Etsy is like an online farmer’s market and mercantile store except you don’t have to sweat and elbow old hags to fight for the last hanging potter. I HOPE YOU CAN READ THIS WITH YOUR GOOD EYE, BARB. I’M STILL SORRY, BUT MY BALCONY NEEDED SOME GREENERY.

I can’t talk about it enough. I could make this whole blog about Etsy. I’ve bought: cards, bottle caps, scarves, picture frames, koozies, bottle openers (like 3), wine racks, mason jars, cards, necklaces, stitch art, rings, prints, mugs, temporary tattoos, cards, throw pillows, coasters, magnets, keychains, wall mounts, containers, stuffed animals, shirts, tie bars, bookmarks, art prints, books, cards, candles, stickers, and tbh with you, tbqmfhwu, I have one pair of custom underwear (boxer briefs, nothing freaky, but they are funny ok).  This doesn’t even include the stuff I’m waiting to purchase. And about half of that is somehow customized one way or another to make it extra special for that special someone (its me im the special someone.)

So be my friend. And wait for me to blow your mind with a handmade piece of shit that I bought for you but I could pass off as “I made this”. If in return somebody would gladly gift me the sugar skull doorknocker or oil painting of kramer smoking a cigar I’ve been eyeing, that would be rad.