The other night I was tricked. I was under the impression I was getting dinner with one of my oldest friends who was in town. Next thing I know men are buying me drinks.
It’s 8:30 p.m. CDT and I arrive at my buddy from high school’s apartment. We’re about to go to dinner. U heard me right. ABOUT TO GO TO DINNER. At this time of night? I don’t get a plate in front of me until 10 p.m. and normally I’ve already been asleep for an hour and have eaten dinner 4 hours before that. I’m a thousand years old but I took a nap before I came over so I should be ready for this MIDNIGHT DINNER. I need to mention it is at the most uppity sushi place in downtown Dallas (I asked for chicken tenders). So it was equal to my school loan payment for this quarter.
We give up on dinner because none of us want to continue to pay $4 per piece of sushi. I have some fishsticks in my freezer at home that are actually cooked all the way??? We check the time. It’s 11 p.m. A country bar near here is still having cheap drink specials.
A country bar is how it was described.
Seconds before exiting the Uber, my friend looks at me and says it’s actually a gay bar.
Bar #1 – Less than 8 mins inside and I’ve been hit on twice. I love this place. Everyone is so nice to me. I was called gorgeous as my arm was caressed for a lean-in whisper “ur gorgeous.” And he went out of his way to clarify that he was talking to me and not my actually gorgeous friend Kalloway who’s built like a brick shithouse, but she’s also a girl so it makes sense now. There’s a fishbowl of condoms on every bar top inside. FOR FREE. Everyone here is so generous. And the bartenders are so nice too??? I started drinking whiskey last week, and they did not hold back on the cocktails. They are v strong. I now have 3 hairs on my chest, I’ve actually started a french braid. There’s a topless guy in a wheelchair who is rolling around passing out jello shots to everyone and he gives me a little tappy tap tap taparoo on my ass. That’s the most action I’ve gotten in three months. No more dry spell.
Bar #2 – We walk across the street to more of a clubish place bc “we” want to dance. I will never say that. I’m a huge fan of sitting down and drinking. Not much for moving. Less motion the better. This time the bartender literally fills my glass to the brim with whiskey and adds a little ginger ale foam on top basically to be polite. I just got half a bottle of Jameson for like $4 this place is amazing. Everyone smiles at me and my self esteem is higher than willie nelson rn. Two guys are in front of me and they are obviously a couple and are making it well known. They’re practically 3 knuckles deep in each other’s pockets like they’re fishing the last bit of peanut butter out of the jar. Ah, young love.
Bar #3 – a regular Dallas bar now, half of it is outside bc they want u to sweat while you drink so you buy more. The bouncers are wearing cutoff jorts and it’s comical bc they are both built like sad bearded pumpkins. The reason we come here is for one particular drink. It’s like 1 a.m. now and “we” are in the mood for yoohoo yeehaw’s. Which is just like a slushie version of the chocolate drink Yoohoo with vodka and coffee liquor. My nightmare: alcohol, dairy, and hot temperatures. After 3 mins inside this bar someone says “let’s get tattoos!” HELLS YEAH LET’S GET TATTOOS.
We slam our slushies and walk SEVERAL NUMEROUS blocks to a tattoo parlor in Deep Ellum. One of us is too drunk to get a tattoo, one of us is bitch, and one of us actually got a tattoo. I’m the bitch u guise. I’ve had an idea for a tattoo for over 4 years now and I still haven’t gotten it. Anyway the tattoo seriously takes less than 15 seconds to do. So we call an uber and go home.
I survived my first night at the gay bars. I got my money’s worth tho, I hardly paid for anything and the drinks were strong. I would totally go back. 1) everyone is so nice 2) good drinks 3) my self esteem and confidence are through the roof right now I feel like a goddess. Or at least an 8.
10/10. Would recommend. Can confirm. I had a good time.