Bitches Love Me: My Life as a Dogsitter

MY LIFE HAS BEEN AMAZING OVER THE PAST MONTH. I AM SWIMMIN IN WOMEN. I mean bitches. Ok it’s just dogs. But still I’m pretty happy with how it’s going. Getting money to have a dog? Sign me up. Oh wait, I already am.

everywhere

is this crude

 

So far after my first 5 dogs, I figured it would be nice to release this small list of pros and cons I have created in honor of the anniversary of my first client returning. What’s that I hear? Is that… is that a good boy in the distance? That’s right, AMOS IS BACK FOR THE WEEKEND.

boys-are-back

RING THE FUCKIN ALARM

 

Pros:

  • Finally having someone who is excited to see me.
  • Having something warm to hold at night. I’m so lonely.
  • Taking the dog on a walk gets me to go outside.
  • Taking the dog on a walk is a good way to meet women. Whom often find it sweet that I dog sit.
  • I like having something else that’s alive in my apartment. (sorry that might sound misleading, it’s not that I have anything DEAD, but I like knowing that I have something else moving about.)
  • I can feel loved again.
  • Dogs are actually really funny.
  • Half of them love to sleep/nap as much as I do.
  • It forces me to keep my apartment pretty clean if I am constantly cleaning up the hairs and extinguishing the smell of dog.
  • Oh, and the money.

Cons:

  • Hair.
  • Slobber.
  • Dirt.
  • Oozing toots and seepages.
  • I have to constantly clean up after every stay. Washing my bedding and blankets is getting expensive.
  • I have to pay taxes on the money. AND the website already takes a percentage.
  • Loud tails hitting my walls and waking me up by thumping the bed.
  • Taking them to go potty at 6am on Saturday morning.
  • Being paranoid about my furniture being torn.
  • Accidents while I’m at work.
  • Getting too attached and crying when the owner comes to pick up them up.
  • Having to stop what I’m doing on the weekends to go home and check on them. Sometimes I like to be gone for 18 hours, but I can’t always do that anymore. I don’t like to leave them inside for too long even if the owner says they are used to it.
  • Taking the dog on a walk gets me to go outside.
  • So far they have all been mutts. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL PART HOG. Bed hog that is.
  • The other half of them have been very needy, anxious, and crave attention. (I think I just described myself.)
  • The worst part of the whole thing thought is holding their warm shitbag until I can find a trashcan on our walking route.
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Hope. I wish a woman would look at me the way she did
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part dog part seal
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Almond. The one that taught me that “all the pretty ones are crazy” holds true for dogs. 
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seriously though she was cute
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Lois. a terrifying pit mix with more nipples than I have dollars
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she’s part lab though so she’s very much a lady

So pondering back on all the moments I’ve had and memories I’ve shared (with Amos, Hope, Winston, Almond, and Lois) this is been pretty dope. 10/10 I would recommend that you try dogsitting from Rover.com if you don’t currently have a dog. It satisfies your dog fix, you get paid, and it’s convenient to not ~always~ have a dog. I can choose to have one when I feel like it. Which is atf time because I could really use the money. So if you need me to dog sit soon, I am booking up very quickly. I only accept one dog at a time. 1) So that I can focus all my lovins towards one at time (my professional answer) 2) my apartment literally isn’t big enough to hold more than two (my real answer.)

gavin-sign
me on the weekends

 

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