The weekend my baby (twin) sister got married A.K.A. the weekend I threw up for the first time since May 2012

*this is in reference to my throw up record btw. not my sister being married now I am happy for her*

Ah, young love.

My sister’s wedding was this past weekend and she was nice enough to invite me. I’ll never forget that about her. I’ve been preparing for my big day for weeks.


My buddy Gio is in town for the weekend. You heard me, in town for the weekend. Who flies in 3 days early? I am leaving for 2 days and everyone else in Dallas has to work. Nobody knows what do with Gio. Well, we go to Babe’s chicken for dinner (the best damn fried chicken I have ever had.) It was a longer dinner than planned. My car broke down so we danced in the parking lot for 2 hours waiting on a tow truck. We ride to the dealership and leave my car there, but they are closed. We Uber home. I pack and go to bed.


I Uber to the dealership promptly around 7:45amish. I tell them what’s wrong and say I need a rental because I have to drive to Blanco, Tx today. I’m in my rental now. It’s a Lincoln. I look like a drug dealer. But that’s fine, I can pull it off. I wake up Gio and take him to a coffee shop so he can work remotely. My rental doesn’t have tinted windows so I have a sunburn on the left side of my face. I make it to Blanco by 3pm. We finish the night with a rehearsal dinner and BBQ. TOMORROW IS THE DAY.

stay with me. not yet.


I was rudely woken up at 10am because we had stuff to do I guess. One problem. I forgot to bring normal clothes to wear before the wedding. I put on the clothes I wore on Thursday. Everyone notices, I’m a disgusting freak. I drive my sister to her bridal bunkhouse thing and she starts getting ready. She’s not nervous or panicking so I’m not nervous or panicking. Except about one thing: my date still isn’t here. I don’t get service at the venue because it’s in a small town that’s outside of the small town of Blanco which is outside Austin kind of. She thinks it’s particularly hilarious to tell me she’s lost. At 3pm. We have to leave for the venue at 4pm. She was already at the hotel though so everything was fine and I only hate her a little.

u know who u are

My father and I go pick up my mother and sister from the bridal bunkhouse. I was doing totally fine until now. I saw my sister on the porch just standing there. And of course there are like 4 photographers waiting too. Well I walk up to her to say something but I don’t really know what to say. But I start tearing up. BUT THAT’S IT. JUST SOME WELLING. NO TEARS ACTUALLY FELL. Just a lump in my throat. So I give her a hug and walk her to the car. And of course the first thing she tells everyone is “MACK CRIED. MACK CRIED WHEN HE HUGGED ME.” Great, everyone knows. I will never this down.

I promise nothing actually fell this is how I handled it

The wedding is starting. I walk my mother down to her seat. I’m doing ok. All the bridesmaids and groomsman are up there. So is Dustin (her husband). He starts tearing up before he even sees Emilee. He’s just anticipating seeing her. WE GREAT NOW I’M STARTING TO CRY AGAIN, TOO. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. They’re up there saying the required lines. Then it’s my turn to read their unity braid passage. Emilee asked to do this awhile ago and I said yes of course I’d love to read it! That was before I knew the word “Ecclesiastes” was in it. I was prepared for it though. I watched how to pronounce it on YouTube. I had been practicing all day. I could do this. But as soon as I see it, the next word, in bold. I completely fudged it. No idea what I actually said. I also don’t know how to read the numbers at the end of a bible verse. I just said ” eckaletions four nine to twelve.” I ruined the only thing she asked me to do. Well anyway, now they are wed (wedded?) and it’s time for the reception. WAIT. We are taking pictures and stuff since the ceremony is over and I basically just wanted to draw attention to the fact that during this time one of Emilee’s bridesmaid, Avery, called dibs on marrying me and I will never forget that. I’m ready when you are. Okay sorry on to the cocktail hour.

THERE ARE LITTLE DONKEYS CARRYING BEER IN THEIR SADDLES. How cool is that? I forgot to take a picture with them. I even had a funny caption prepared. I would be in the middle. “Jack, Lard, and Dumb.” It’s an ass joke. The donkey’s are named jackass and dumbass and I am lardass. Did you catch that? It’s hilarious. And I’ll never get the opportunity to post it. I go grab a signature cocktail for the night (tbh it was basically either lemonade with whiskey or lemonade with vodka) and then I have to mingle. I am the bride’s brother. People want to talk. That’s fine. It’s not like I just embarrassed myself in front of everyone and their mother. People ask me how dogsitting is going, how the wives are doing, how is Dallas, how is work, etc etc. I do my best to ramble about everything because I love talking about myself. I also lost my date momentarily but she’s a big girl and talked to people all by herself. I find her and we go sit down for dinner. Dinner is SO GOOD. The toasts were good. My dad made some people cry. Not at liberty to say if it was me again. I do more eating. I do more talking with people again.

The night is simmering down. I still haven’t danced with my sister. So I go get her and tell her “let’s dance I need to talk to you.” I don’t have a damn clue how to dance. She asked me about it actually. But we talk. I tell her I love her and stuff etc etc etc. And by the end of the song she said “you weren’t bad.” I’ll take it. After that I am walking by some people and one of them stops me and says “Hi Mack!!!” I don’t know her. I introduce myself and she says “oh please I read your blog my name is Michelle.” I get embarrassed, but she was nice and I said thank you for believing in me. I dance next with my date Kalloway. She loves dancing. And is also observant to fact that I can’t. I’m in the leading position of two-stepping. But she is totally pushing me. She’s basically leading. Well now it’s a competition. I’m not about to be pushed across this dance floor like a shopping cart. I can’t two step. She complained that I would kind of hop a little. We switch to a half-step. WHICH I NAIL BECAUSE IT’S BASICALLY WALKING. Both of our calves are cramping because we are both trying to lead and win the dance. She said I was good though so I take it as I won. Is everyone happy now?


We light sparklers. And the newlyweds run underneath them. And then just stand in the parking lot. Their limo got lost and didn’t show up. I AM ASKED TO CHAUFFEUR THEM TO SAN ANTONIO. It’s like 11pm. I am tired. But I am an amazingly okay brother and say yes of course let’s go gang. I get them dropped off. Kalloway was polite and stayed awake to talk on the drive down there. The rear doors weren’t even closed yet and she was passed out so the drive back to Blanco was very quiet until a quarter mile from our hotel I screamed because a deer was in the road. It’s 1am. I have even longer day in store for Saturday.


I wake up at 7am and can’t sleep. Kall has zero problem and is snoring like a wounded wildebeest. I pack up the cars and get ready to leave. We say bye to my family and hit the road. I have to be at a bar at 2:30pm for the Tech/TCU kickoff. SO CLOSE. I get there at 3:30pm. Tech wins in double overtime it was v exciting. Wreck them. Everyone leaves to go change into costumes. The plan is to meet at Sassy’s apartment and then go out from there. Well. There was so many loose ends. Trying to coordinate with about 12 people is very stressful and I don’t recommend it. I leave my apartment keys with Kalloway because she is still getting ready. Gio and I Uber to Sassy’s. DOGS ARE PLAYING INSIDE AND I LOVE IT. Sassy is Lucy from the vitavegamentiamdn episode and she won’t stop saying it. The rest of most of the gang meets us and we head out to Deep Ellum because that’s where I like to go. I feel like I should run through all of the costumes for the night: Me and Kalloway – Purge couple, Gio – El Chapulín Colorado (only like 3 mexican people got it), Shelby – Adele, Sandra – Superstar, Maranda – Mother Nature (handed out tampons all night), Blaire – Freddy from Scooby Doo with a homemade cardboard mystery machine van, Lauren and McKenzie – Miss Columbia and the other one from when Steve Harvey messed up announcing, Sassy – Lucy the vitameganviedn version, Paige – Mirandasings, KK – nasty woman, Brad – casual brad, and Vianny as Prince. Ok I think that’s everybody.

FIRST BAR. It takes over an hour for everyone to finally get there. But we have drinks and we are laughing and loving being around each other. I never have this many friends in one place. I have about 6 Tech friends. 5 Dallas friends. And 2 Tyler friends. BRIDGING THE FRIEND GAPS ARE VERY HARD. We are done with this bar so we plan to go down the street. Everyone is closing their tab so we all leave at different times. This is when I should have known. Tech ends up at On Premise. Dallas and Tyler are in Green Room. I end up at Green Room too. They are right next to each other!!! But the line to get in was a nightmare. Green Room crowd is digging the Purge couple. We pose for some pictures etc. But my Tyler friend, Vianny, dressed as Prince stole the show. He was the most popular hit. Understandably.

Sassy is Lucy remember? Well someone opened up her Nyquil and people had started taking shots of it and it was the most ignorant thing I’ve ever seen. Some guy looked at my and was like “that’s codiene. it’s sippin syrup.” I told him no it’s not I actually know this woman and it’s over the counter. I shout IT’S OVER THE COUNTER to everyone who would listen and he leaves.

i love chef g

Tyler friends leave to go to a different place. I say ok bye see ya later. Dallas stays on Green Room roof. Ok cool let me go find Tech friends. I WAIT IN LINE FOR 30 MINS ALONE AT ON PREMISE AND SOME GUY WON’T STOP TALKING TO ME. English is his second language and I put on my Purge mask and he turns around. It worked! I find my friends in the back and they have a table. Bless them. When I was in line I asked someone to buy me a drink so that it would be there when I finally make it in. Welp. That was my mistake. Never ask Gio to get you a drink. It will be wrong. Ask anybody. Maranda was served everclear and nail polish remover, courtesy of Gio. And my drink was whiskey and ginger beer. Ginger beer. I asked for Ginger ale because I am still new to having whiskey. But liquor and beer don’t exactly ~mesh~ imho. Why does ginger beer even exist. I figured now would be a good time to yell cheers to being 5 years sober. Nobody joined in with me. I couldn’t read the vibe of the bar at all.

nobody? alright just me

We hangout and etc but it’s getting late so Tech Ubers back to Grapevine. I leave to find my other friends. Dallas has gone to Quarter Bar so they are across town so ok well I guess goodnight I’ll see ya never. I remember Kall said something about something society so I go down the street and get in line there. I am making friends with some ~urban~ guys there as we wait. A girl dressed as little red robin hood but with scars and shit on her face looks at me and says “Are you Mack?” A stranger. A stranger knows my name and I start thinking of every possible thing that I have ever done and I am about to throw up because that gives me  anxiety.What is it with people and recognizing me? I am very forgettable. Ask anyone.  Omg everything is fine though it’s Kalloway’s roommate. What are the chances?? I say hi Madeline it’s nice to meet you. And she shits and says I know so much about you. Which is terrifying because what is there to know. Anyway she’s sweet and I meet who is with her. We go inside this place and I lose them immediately. It’s a fucking nightmare if I ever had one. It’s loud. It’s dark. It’s packed. It’s a club. I like bars. This is not a bar. BUT we knew the bartender so service was excellent. MORE PEOPLE WE KNOW ARRIVE. I can’t hear anything. I just smile and drink. And drink. Annnnd then drink one last one.

my bartender

It’s 2am. The lights come on and they say go home. I call for an Uber. Halloween weekend. Saturday night. There is a surge. $73. A $73 uber ride to get back to my apartment in Addison. This exact ride is typically $14-16 on a normal night. I knew prices would jump. But I didn’t think it would be 4x. Samson and I talk about everything under the sun because what else would I do? I get home. I send a dog video to someone. And I text Elena my radio girl that I like her face. I still got it. Then it just hits me that I haven’t eaten since the Buccee’s gas station in Temple, Tx approximately 15hrs before this moment. I sit on the ground by my toilet and wait. I’m patient about this I don’t want to rush it. Well 3o mins go by, and nothing. I want to go to bed so I grab my little trashcan just in case and place it by my bed.

where are my good friends when I need them

As soon as my stomach hits the bed, I get the spins and my chest starts convulsing. Ya know, the throw up bucks? You’ve experienced them. I give it a quick spurt like someone squeezed me like a Windex bottle. Does anyone remember feeding me something red? Why is it red? (this is a total joke there was no blood I promise it was regular throw up colored. sorry mom) I can’t believe this day has finally come. I am so good at not throwing up. And when I do, I like to go outside. Being inside was weird for me. The last time this happened was May 2012 during the spring semester final exams. 8am. There was a midnight breakfast the night before and several of my friends had gotten sick from it. That factored into this ralph, but the main cause was this was my second documented anxiety attack. If I didn’t pass this final, I didn’t pass the class. I run outside the room and hurl over the railing, I’m as white as  ghost and I walk back in and finish my exam. I get a 67. Which gave me a C. So yeah, time to start the vomit ticker over.

*since like 4am 😦


I wake up at 9am. It’s been about five hours since I threw up and I have to get ready. Having breakfast with my Tech friends and taking Gio to the airport at noon. I am petrified to shower because what if I get too hot and throw up again? It wouldn’t be the worse thing. I’m not that far into my active vomit-free record. I shower with no problem. I get coffee and drive to Grapevine. We have breakfast and swap old stories with friends. (The bike story is great I totally forgot about that one you guys omg.) We all say our goodbyes. I take Gio to the airport. I was charged $4 to drop him off. It’s fine. I go back home. I eat some cold little caesars pizza and have some dr pecker. I clean up my apartment a little. I lay down to take a nap and watch football because I haven’t slept since ‘nam and it’s Sunday this is what I always do. Kall and I nap for about 2 hours. She goes home. I watch the first half of the Cowboys game and go to bed again. I have to wake up early to return my rental car before I go to work.

Happy Halloween everyone.


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