happy valentines day i pissed myself

I am never not peeing. I’m going right now actually. For some reason, I wanted to start being semi-healthier. A slow start is necessary though. I figured I would drink a gallon of water per day, to keep me from drinking Dr Pecker or beer. I heard there were benefits. Better skin, more energy, etc. I could use that. I mean if ‘yonce does it then I should probably give it a shot.


Day one: this is painful and I am bloated. I keep forgetting to sip it casually throughout the day so I end up chugging large amounts at once. I am about to puke, but not before I run to the bathroom to pee every 20 mins like a pregnant racehorse. I mean it is like the crystal clear water of Jamaica. Or whatever place is known for perfectly clear water. Look idk I never travel and I hate the beach. Seriously it’s like I could fill up a case of Zima bottles and nobody would notice the difference. Can you still order those? (the answer is no, occasionally I ask when I go out drinking and so far zero percent of bartenders think it’s funny.)  Would saying Crystal Pepsi be more topical? I haven’t been able to sleep. I woke up 4 times to pee. And with each trip, I somehow manage to keep setting my PR for duration of the stream. How do I make a drain the “swamp” joke about this


yarr. (this is total stretch, does anyone remember when steve the pirate said i need to drain the sea monster)

Day 2-5: basically the same as day one. every day. all the time. I haven’t been eating as much because I am always full and bloated from carrying around a gallon of water in my gullet. Also this is when I was told my skin would “purge” the toxins from cleansing my soul with god’s water. Can confirm. You will breakout during the first week. CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT’S IN STORE FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH.


just remember all the good the purge does

Also still Day 5: it was a nice outside and I am hydrated. I’m gonna ride bike wazowski around for a bit. I AM READY TO BE A BETTER PERSON HEALTH AND ACTIVITY WISE. Well I fell and cracked my shoulder blade. I have never heard my body make that sound before (me screaming lol.) I tried to brace my fall and all I could hear was my shoulder crackling like a roll of blackcats. I should have stayed inside like I do everyday. This is a fucking nightmare. I don’t know if I almost passed out from the pain or if I almost passed out from getting embarrassed in front of myself. I have the passout tunnel vision and I can’t hear, also I am ghost white. I know I know, that doesn’t sound different from how I normally look and feel with regular anxiety tunnel visions etc. But I mean it hurts like a bitch. It’s my right shoulder. I keep my apt keys in my right pocket. I had to use my left arm to reach over in there. Anyway, I go to an urgent care and get xrayed and some pain meds. NOT EVEN THE GOOD KIND.


nobody knows this movie

Day 6: really regretting the water challenge and then also falling off my bike. It’s excruciatingly painful to reach down and undo my pants so I can pee. EVERY FREAKING 40 MINS. It took me 15mins to get my shoes on this morning. Turns out you use your shoulder blade for everything you do ever. I got toothpaste all over my face because I have no control of my left hand. Honestly I shouldn’t say this. But I was really only able to wash about half of myself in the shower this morning. Be warned. Belts are difficult too bc I don’t have the torque to pull it tight. I’ve stopped wearing them. I’ve sold all my belts this is my life now. I would have said I donated them. But no I need the money. The price for an MRI is outrageous. Also, I got an MRI today. My first one ever. It was terrifyingly loud. And I hated every second of it. Now I’m not sleeping because I can’t lay comfortably. But I am still peeing like 18 times a day. But there is a silver lining. Strangers are nice to me. The cashier at chicfila carried my tray to my table for me when she saw I was struggling.



Day 7: Ok this is really very difficult for me to keep living like this. good bye everyone it was really nice knowing some of you.


Day 10: I took out the trash bc I am good at housekeeping. Well without thinking, I grab a new bag. And ya know you gotta whip it a few times to get the air inside. It didn’t even occur to me that I use my shoulder when I shake something like a beach towel. It’s the most painful thing I have ever done to my shoulder besides falling off my bike and landing on my shoulder. Honestly this was the worst decision I’ve ever made. Well maybe a close second to trying to drink a gotdamn gallon of water in a day. I would say “in 24hrs” but let’s be real. I sleep about 10hrs a day. So the fact that I am churning a gallon in and out of my body within 14hrs hours in an amazing feat on it’s own.

Day 12: I mean wow I am really flourishing. I have more energy (I don’t use it, I have a broken shoulder blade for Christ’s sake) and my skin looks amazing. Well, as amazing as the skin of a sweet potato can look. I said sweet potato bc I took a poll from the wives: am I more sweet or am I more full of shit? Sweet was the winner, but several wives had a hard time not saying shit. THIS ISN’T SOPHIE’S CHOICE.

Day 14: it actually hurts more to wear my sling so I don’t need it anymore


v accurate of my physical apperance

Day 18: Remember when I once read that Beyonce does this? So if I drink a gallon of water every day I will look like her right? Okay full disclaimer is that I did have the “I’m having twinz” gut before I started this challenge.


Day 21: Does everybody also remember when I fell off my bike trying to get off my bike? Don’t worry I just bought a helmet. It’s actually a football helmet. And shoulder pads so I don’t break my other shoulder blade lol. Safety second!

Day 24: this is the hardest thing that I’ve ever endeared. And I’ve tried talking to a woman before. But I really am starting to have pretty decent skin. I haven’t been drinking as many sodas. Honestly it’s been about 12ish days since I have had one. I’M STILL POUNDIN BREWS THO AMIRITE BOYS. I can’t tell if I’m eating less or if I’m eating more. All this fuckin water sloshing around makes be feel full all day, but I know I still manage to eat…


Day 26: I can’t drive further than 30mins at a time because I will just piss all over myself. Still going a gallon strong.

Day 28: I can’t believe how good water tastes. was I always this deydrated? I can’t get enough of this stuff why would jesus ever turn it into wine?? oh god did i just question His motives

Thank God Day 30: ah yes. here we are. fully quenched and soaking wet. inside and out. uhm I guess I recommend it?? Just do so at your own risk.



ok but gus dies so just keep that in mind


BUT usher raymond is so wise

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