it’s so hard being me

I have to work so hard on to get my face to look the way it does. How sad is that? Me writing about skincare is like charlie sheen preaching about sobriety. Speaking of sheen, back to my face. I don’t even get that great of results, I still look like this. I mean shape wise and whatever I think it’s a pretty ok face. But the clarity has been an issue since nam. I have sold organs to pay for dermatology visits and derm meds for years. But they’re always harsh and I am pretty sensitive. Inside and out. But the past 6 months or so I have been doing small changes to work on my face without the constant meds that turn be bright fuckin red and make me so dry i look like spongebob that one time he needed water in sandy’s dome.


One of the biggest things that has helped my skin is how I shave. I used to use an electric razor. Dry. Like a moron. Then I used a wet electric shaver with some cream. And it was better kinda how you would compare dwarfs to midgets. Would you consider a dwarf among midgets really as ~better~? No.

So I found this forum online and it’s where I get all my skincare advice now. It’s all scientific and fascinating honestly. But a popular suggestion was to switch to a safety razor. Like how your grandpa used to shave. Single blade, brush, cup of soap etc. And let me tell you. IT HAS BEEN GREAT. I mean I cut the shit out of myself for the first month and was bleeding like I just lost a fight. But ever since then? I have gotten pretty good at it. The only issue now is that it takes SO LONG for me to shave. It is such a process. 


I have to shave at night. And it’s not like a grow an undogly beard or anything, but if I don’t shave every few days then I look like master shifu from kung fu panda. But the reason I shave at night is 1) it takes me like an hour and 2) I need to give my skin time to calm down after all this. I get pretty red, not because anything is wrong or I get embarrassed. It’s just what my face does with all these products and aggravation.

So here is my routine. I won’t number them because honestly I’m not sure I can count that high.

  • I fill my cup with hot water and drop my brush and razor inside to soak.
  • I wash my face with a foaming cleanser. Foaming is good for oily faces fyi. Learned that one on the internet.
  • I rub a glycerin pre-oil on my face to get the whiskers loose n lubed up
  • Next is a second pre-shave mix. It’s just soap or something that softens my hairs
  • I soak a washcloth in hot water and hold it over over my face like I’m waterboarding myself to let the steam and whatever open my pores and soften the hairs
  • Grab my brush out of the hot cup, wring it out a bit. And lather up some soap and swirl it around my face until it’s pretty thick
  • Now I shave. Short passes. I make my first pass going down on my upper face cheeks area (with the grain) and my neck I shave upwards (with the grain)
  • Re-lather and shave again. This time, upwards on my face (against the grain) and downwards on my neck (against the grain). I normally stop at two passes because my hair is mostly gone now and pretty smooth. Also if I make a third, it normally aggravates me and I get bumps.
  • Rinse with hot water
  • Wet an alum block and wipe it around my shaved area (not the whole face) this just helps with nicks and some sanitation. I don’t rinse it right away. I let it sit.
  • I rinse out my brush and pick up all my stuff around the sink that I can. I wash out the hairs in the sink
  • Rinse my face with hot water again to get rid of any alum
  • Quick splash of ice cold water
  • Dry my face off with a new towel. New towels are v important for me. I bought a bunch from a barber shop supply store on amazon. I need to use two brand new towels each time I shave (waterboarding and then drying.) They are basic and white. So I can wash them in hot water with my white pillowcases. I have to use white stuff because benzoyl peroxide bleaches everything and BP is very popular in derm meds. Also just a quick side note from my shave routine. Me saying prescription pillowcase is the funniest thing I’ve said. I always have typos though.
I have to swap out my case about twice a week
  • Once my face is dry, I use cotton pads and wipe some witch hazel on my face as a toner I guess. Some people swear by the rose petal flavor but I can’t handle that. I gotta use regular or cucumber becauses that helps with inflammation
  • After that dries, I use an alcohol and menthol based aftershave. It hurts like hell but I love it. Some ppl disagree with the use of alcohol on sensitive skin. But I think it works for me. Helps with sanitation.
  • After that dries, I have another kind of aftershave. It’s called Tend-Skin. It’s basically just more alcohol but with aspirin mixed in (that’s the homemade recipe, but I will pay for an $8 bottle of Tend-Skin) and the aspirin just helps calm any razor bumps.
  • After that dries, this would be where I use any current Rx’s. Use sparingly, no need to overwhelm the whole fax. Spot treatment is best.
  • After that dries, I use a Vitamin C serum. A low concentrate has worked well for me and honestly I am amazed at how much this simple step does for me. It’s so cheap and clears up some acne scarring and pigmentation spots. Also it just brightens up the whole face.
  • This would be where I use any other serums or something like that. I got some samples that I liked and it fit in great with my face. BUT THE REAL SIZES ARE LIKE $100 SO I will never buy them.
  • After that dries, I use a face oil. The one I use in particular is Clarins Lotus Face Treatment Oil. FACE TREATMENT OIL. MY WHOLE FACE NEEDS TREATMENT I AM A PATIENT BASICALLY. But for real, I learned during these cold months that oily faces sometimes produce the oil because they are dehydrated. So this particular one suited for oily skins helps with acne and dehydrating. This is fantastic and really should be used at night anyway. So it fits perfect in my routine.
  • LAST STEP. After that dries, I use an aftershave hydrating lotion. This is for sensitive skin and again helps with some razor burn and just is the last barrier to protect my face from the outside world.

In the mornings, I just shower and only do shampoo and bodywash. I don’t use anything besides water on my face. I can’t strip my face twice a day, it gets too harsh. So just water and moisturize in the mornings.

On non-shave nights. I will do this twice a week. Sometimes three depending. Since shaving counts a physical exfoliant, I sometimes add this chemical one.

  • Wash my face with a skin-balancing cleanser (not sure what makes it skin balancing but that is the collection line from Paula’s Choice, which is a great brand btw)
  • Once per week, I use a clay mask right here for about 10mins. My face can’t handle more than 15mins.
  • Wash my face again. The ole double cleanse method. I even double cleanse if I don’t use a mask.
  • Cotton pad with skin-balancing toner
  • Cotton pad with skin-perfecting 2% BHA liquid exfoliant. This is the best step in all this. It’s also Paula’s Choice best selling product on the whole website. This chemical exfoliant is v crucial for minimizing pores and getting rid of dead skin to bring up that new layer.  I personally can’t use it super often. But plenty of people use it daily, if not twice a day.
  • Antioxidant serum with retinol
  • My lotus oil thing sometimes
  • Regular moisturizer


Do you want to hear some other FUN tips I have to abide by to make sure my face is this average?

  • I wash my hands all the time. Never touching my face throughout the day even though it’s my favorite nervous habit
  • When I am doing my shave routine or just regular face regime, I DON’T EVEN TOUCH MY PHONE THE WHOLE TIME. Because our phones are gross. So if you don’t hear back from me in awhile it’s because I’m either asleep or in the middle of my 12-step program. Calm down mom I haven’t relapsed.
  • I mentioned the brand new towels earlier. I do new towels and pillowcases everywhere.
  • I rinse my razor in alcohol before and after each shave. And especially when I pop in a new blade every week.
  • I drink a lot of water. About 100oz during the work week. Less on the weekends because that time is for mimosas.
  • I use spf all the time. Even when it’s cloudy!!!! It’s still important. And spf helps with inflammation anyways.


Uhm I think that is finally every that I do. I know. I know. It seems ridiculous. I am equally as upset as you are that I don’t look like a more handsome person. But sometimes all you can do is polish a turd. This is what it takes to keep my breakouts pretty minimal, but they still exist. I am still a gross oily teenager at heart. Puberty has lasted half of my life. And I am forever jealous of my friends with great skin and smooth complexion. You know who you are. Tag yourself. I make it awkward when I won’t stop talking about your skin. But it’s because I want it. No not to keep, that would be weird.

But I guess something is paying off, I did receive this text the other day.

to be fair i did say something hysterical

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