I am so fucking embarrassed. Everyone knows how much I pride myself on my gift-giving ability. But I finally messed up. How could this happen? Why me? Why now?
Augusta (Sassy) is one of my Dallas friends. Her birthday is today and she is also a newlywed. Almost 3 months in!! 700 more to go! Super happy for her and her husband, right? Beautiful people. Well I wanted to get her a couple’s gift, something that they can do together, ya know? OH BOY CAN THEY DO THIS TOGETHER ALRIGHT.
I found this great canvas painting kit online and thought WOW THAT’S PERFECT. ONE TIME LANE WAS BOB ROSS FOR HALLOWEEN. How cute is that?? A painting they can do together and bond over?? I was so proud of myself. Until I opened it.
I opened up the kit the day I received it to make sure it had the paint colors I ordered (black, white, gold, and teal blue.) I had to pick four even though I know Augusta will only use black and white. And maybe mix them to make a gray. And MAYBE use the gold. She kinda has a metallic vibe in her new home, nothing too colorful. But maybe that is just because I saw her new house the same week she moved in and it was a nightmare. It looked like the return counter at Ross.
Anyway, it has all the correct colors inside. But I’m reading the instructions because it’s wrapped around the paint bottle. And I’m looking at it….. okay it comes with a tarp? I guess painting can be pretty messy yeah. There’s a sign to hang on the doorknob “painting in progress”.. uhm ok I mean I guess you don’t want to be startled and mess up the artwork?? “put on the slippers to make your way to the shower when you’re done painting” oh my god what did I buy. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE LOVE ON THE CANVAS. THEIR BODIES ARE THE PAINTBRUSHES. I AM SO EMBARRASSED. HOW DID I NOT READ THE FULL DESCRIPTION BEFORE BUYING THIS??
“capture the beauty of intimacy..” I READ THAT AS EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. Like of course painting something together with someone you love is intimate. I love love!!! this was supposed to be a cute arts & craft project for the new home.
I am so red-faced. There’s no way I can still give this to her?? I need to send it back. Oh, it’s non-returnable. Gr8. Just great. I am dying inside. So I text Lane, her husband, and spill it all. I tell him my full thought process and the whole “what had happened was..” and he could not have been more cool about it.
Whew, ok cool. Lane’s cool. This is not embarrassing (it is, but now it’s less.) Guess I’m still giving it to Augusta for her birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SASSY.
Okay…………….. so I still have one more bit of news. I got an email that the canvas kit had delivered on a Tuesday, but it was not there when I got home. So I called the company and told them what happened. No worries, we’ll send you a replacement on us. Wow, thanks!
Wednesday: I have a package at my door. It’s the canvas kit.
Friday: I have a package at my door. It’s the canvas kit replacement.
I HAVE TWO SEX CANVAS KITS IN MY APARTMENT.
So yeah. If anyone would like my second sex canvas to paint with a loved one please let me know. Like and revine for your chance to win. Only married couples because I will not be an enabler to your sin. The paint colors are black, white, gold, and teal blue. Would look great in a modern house. For reference this is what it’s supposed to look like so you can imagine how I didn’t imagine bodies were gliding on it???